So I heard that Hilary Clinton has recently decided on her own theme song. It reminds me a lot of how professional wrestlers have their own theme songs and based on what my feelings are on Hilary, well the possibilities are endless. I keep thinking about the scene in Woody Allen's "Banana's" where the new dictator takes of the country and states "From this point forward everybody who is younger than 16 will now be 16. From this point forward everybody must change their underwear every hour on the hour and underpants must now be worn outside of your pants to show that they are fresh." Alright, let me take a step back. With all this information I will use my powers to look into alternative futures and give my audience a scenario:
The lights are dim within the capital building. Congress is eagerly awaiting what will happen next. A slight pitch of feedback comes over the speakers, all of the sudden the voice of Chigusa Nagayo is heard over the speakers and she descends from the ceiling and proclaims
CN: And now the self proclaimed most powerful woman in the world, champion of the Universal association of everything....Hilary Clinton!
Then blarring of the speakers everybody in congress hears....YOU AND I by Celine Dion! The lights two spot lights turn and and a caped Hilary Clinton is a business suit flies in and lands at her podium. Hilary puts on her headset and proclaims to all of Congress
HC: Today I ENDED THE WAR IN IRAQ!!!
Inquisitive Congressman: Queen Hilary how did you accomplish this feat?
HC: Nobody may address me unless they are bowing to me
(Chigusa Nagayo at this point body slams the IC and he bows to Hilary)
IC: My apologies your Holiness. May I ask how you ended the war in Iraq?
HC: I handed all the women of Iraq machine guns, 200 lbs of ammo, and provided them with detonators so they could coax all their husbands to suicide bomb each other...
Whoops! I lost the vision of the future, well you get the point. Yeah, maybe that is a little off color but oh well.
::End Transmission::
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Beer
In my current unemployment stretch I have been pondering the meaning of life and how I could make some doe so I don't have to wash dishes for the government. My best idea so far has been to start brewing various types of beer using beer archetypes. This is the list and attributes so far:
Andre's Green Skunk - This would be similar to Heineken but maybe slightly more aged. The label would be a cartoon picture of me holding two skunks by their tails with a giant smile on my face. It would come in a green bottle.
Andre's Backyard Malt Liquor - This would be similar to Mickey's but with more sugar added and maybe a little more flat. The label would be a cartoon picture of me with an afro stirring up malt liquor in a bathtub. It would come only in 40 oz. bottles.
Andre's American Style Beer (piss water) - This would be like all those American style beers that everybody sorta likes but nobody actually loves. It would probably be closest to Michelob ultra. The cover would be cartoon Andre facing a barrel and pissing in it. It would come in every form: Cans, Kegs, bottles, IVs, powdered, etc.
Andre's Irish Mud - This beer would be like Guinness. The cover would feature cartoon me rubbing an Irish mans head in the mud. It only comes in cans and bottles and when they are opened it sounds like a spider barking.
Andre's Monk Ale - This would be just like Chimay. The cover would feature cartoon me in a monks robe with lighting shooting from my fingers to an old oak barrel. It would only come in bottles that are 13.52 oz.
Andre's Zombie Ale - This would be like one those rouge beers where you just wonder how that flavor could come from a beer. It would have so much bite that it will hurt coming out the other end. It is 18.5% alcohol per volume. The cover would feature cartoon me beating a zombie with a golf club who is lying on a grate. It only comes in 12 oz. and 30 oz. bottles.
Andre's German Diesel - This beer is a prepackaged mixture of really crappy beer mixed with cola. The front cover features me pumping gas into a VW bus. Comes in 16 oz. bottles.
Andre Martinez special blend - This would be exactly like the American style beer but slightly aged and with a lime and a shot of tequila in it. The front cover would be cartoon me filling bottles from a tapped cactus.
Andre's Kabuki Samurai Ale - This would be similar to the German Diesel, but instead of it being mixed with cola it would be mixed with rice milk and have a half shot of Sake in it. The cover would be cartoon Andre in kabuki garb and stabbing a dragon with a naginata (Those things that look like a cross between a spear and a sword). It would come in 12 oz. bottles.
Andre's Royal Family Stash - This is my English style beer similar to Boddingtons. It would only come in pint cans and the cover would be cartoon me sneaking out of the royal palace with a barrel above my head.
Andre's Meade - Meade is the most underrated drink in the world and I plan to bring it back. This would be pre-spiced and come in bottles and jugs. The front cover would feature cartoon me with a bee hive on my hands getting chased by a giant bee.
Any suggestions? That is all.
::End Transmission::
Andre's Green Skunk - This would be similar to Heineken but maybe slightly more aged. The label would be a cartoon picture of me holding two skunks by their tails with a giant smile on my face. It would come in a green bottle.
Andre's Backyard Malt Liquor - This would be similar to Mickey's but with more sugar added and maybe a little more flat. The label would be a cartoon picture of me with an afro stirring up malt liquor in a bathtub. It would come only in 40 oz. bottles.
Andre's American Style Beer (piss water) - This would be like all those American style beers that everybody sorta likes but nobody actually loves. It would probably be closest to Michelob ultra. The cover would be cartoon Andre facing a barrel and pissing in it. It would come in every form: Cans, Kegs, bottles, IVs, powdered, etc.
Andre's Irish Mud - This beer would be like Guinness. The cover would feature cartoon me rubbing an Irish mans head in the mud. It only comes in cans and bottles and when they are opened it sounds like a spider barking.
Andre's Monk Ale - This would be just like Chimay. The cover would feature cartoon me in a monks robe with lighting shooting from my fingers to an old oak barrel. It would only come in bottles that are 13.52 oz.
Andre's Zombie Ale - This would be like one those rouge beers where you just wonder how that flavor could come from a beer. It would have so much bite that it will hurt coming out the other end. It is 18.5% alcohol per volume. The cover would feature cartoon me beating a zombie with a golf club who is lying on a grate. It only comes in 12 oz. and 30 oz. bottles.
Andre's German Diesel - This beer is a prepackaged mixture of really crappy beer mixed with cola. The front cover features me pumping gas into a VW bus. Comes in 16 oz. bottles.
Andre Martinez special blend - This would be exactly like the American style beer but slightly aged and with a lime and a shot of tequila in it. The front cover would be cartoon me filling bottles from a tapped cactus.
Andre's Kabuki Samurai Ale - This would be similar to the German Diesel, but instead of it being mixed with cola it would be mixed with rice milk and have a half shot of Sake in it. The cover would be cartoon Andre in kabuki garb and stabbing a dragon with a naginata (Those things that look like a cross between a spear and a sword). It would come in 12 oz. bottles.
Andre's Royal Family Stash - This is my English style beer similar to Boddingtons. It would only come in pint cans and the cover would be cartoon me sneaking out of the royal palace with a barrel above my head.
Andre's Meade - Meade is the most underrated drink in the world and I plan to bring it back. This would be pre-spiced and come in bottles and jugs. The front cover would feature cartoon me with a bee hive on my hands getting chased by a giant bee.
Any suggestions? That is all.
::End Transmission::
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