Dear Kronenbourg 1664 brewer,
How are you doing today? Let me explain something to you. You are French. At one point in time the US was so pissed at you guys that we took an American food and almost changed french fries to freedom fries. So already I feel the need to give you the benefit of the doubt because we were kind of jerks to you just because of a couple of unethical transactions. Well I tried the beer that you brewed. I spent $8.99 on a six pack. Alright I paid a little more, I can handle that. I opened your beer and tasted it and I thought, "hmm, it really is not bad." Then I drank more of you. I soon realized that I would prefer many beers before I would try you. Then I thought about it and I was like "Well for that much I could have bought some Heinekin or Becks. Then I thought, wait a minute you are in a green bottle, yet you do not taste skunkey, which pissed me off even more because I have grown to love the Skunky taste of Heiniken and Becks. As I gazed at the bottle I realized just how much you pissed me off, because you only contain 11.2 oz. What the hell is that! You not only taste not that bad, do not give the green bottle promise of skunkiness, and cost more than Becks but you cannot even deliver on volume. You know what Kronenbourg 1664 brewer? I am done with you forever. Quick Stacy, give me and old style...well at least you don't suck as much as Strohs.
Much love and Regards,
André M. Smith
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
It is time.
It has been a while since I have blogged anywhere so I have a lot to cover.
Musicals
What is the deal with musicals. I mean really they are pretty silly. Does anybody just break out into song and have a whole band playing for them. I watched the movie enchanted yesterday and they actually poked fun at this concept. Then there are all of these "Classic" musicals that everybody will donate their kidneys for to see a new cast when they know that they will never like them as much as the "Original" cast. So they start out on broadway and then some actually trancend to the screen, like rent. When that came out all the girls were like "Oh my goad Rent is now a movie. Then there is me, who is like, what the F is rent. Am I uncultured? Let's take "Grease". It is a story about the tough greasy boy who does not want to admit that he likes the prudish nerdy girl. I know, all the girls like the bad boy and all the boys like the nerdy girls. Have we really covered new territory? The only concession prize to this movie is Grease 2. There I said it! I mean, that shit was too good for Broadway. It knows what it is; a series of songs about sex. Songs like "Reproduction", "We are going to score tonight", and "Let's do it for our country". Even "Cool Rider" features Michelle Pfeifer straddling a step ladder. If you like musicals I am sorry, but take a Freudian look at them. There I said it.
Music
I am always beind the times with music. But I have to say that my favorite album of 2008 is officially "Re-arranger" by Mates of State. Submarines knotch their way in at number two. Most original of 2008: Fleet Foxes. Worst of 2008: anytime I am listening to the radio and I hear Fred Durst, Slipknot, deathmetal in any form, Metallica post "Black Album", and most country--regardless if any of it was actually made in 2008 because again, I am always behind the times. There I said it.
Movies
I don't see enough movies either. I guess I watch a lot of old ones. My favorite of the year is "Nick and Norah's infinite playlist" but in all fairness I still have yet to see the double Rogan feature of "Pineapple Express" and "Zach and Miri make a porno" because I am pretty sure I would like both of those. Every Christmas we see a bad movie and this year it was "The Spirit". Suprisingly enough it was not the worst movie I have ever seen, but is still the worst of the year hands down.
On another movie note, I just watched a movie called "Hawk: The Slayer". Let me explain the various categories of bad movies in decending order of bad to worse: Bad movies that are so bad and campy that you love them. Classic example, Plan nine from outer space. Then there are those movies that have amazing production value but you just can't stand the story. My example of this is when "Stargate" came out (But of course the one that I hated and others loved is "Saving Private Ryan". Then there are movies that are just flat painful to watch. My example of this would be "House of 1000 corpses". Finally there are those movies that are painful to watch, have awful special effects, and worst of all they set themselves up for a sequal. Hawk: The Slayer is one of those fantasy movies similar to "Conan the Barbarian". Actually the story reminds me of the movie "Krull" which is not a very good movie but at least had decent special effects for its time. But Hawk the Slayers best special effect is when this witch uses magic to freeze an evil soldier, but her wand just shoots out green silly string. Later she uses her magic to blind a room of bad guys which is really just a bunch of bubbles, a fog machine, and disco lights. I mean the guy in it who is supposed to be a giant is only like 6'5". THEN it has the audacity to set itself up for a sequal! Well anyways, if you want to see how bad it is they actually did put it on DVD. But really you may be better off drinking an ex-lax and tabasco cocktail. There I said it.
Will I be ready?
Today somebody put a flier under my windshield wiper and on my garage door. It starts out with "AM I READY TO STAND BEFORE ETERNAL GOD". Well yeah I guess so. According to this little essay the "much biblical evidence points to May 21, 2011 as the day of the rapture of believers - the final day of salvation. Those left behind will destroy each other, and on October 21, 2011." I wonder if we will celebrate my 30th birthday, I mean that is one of those milestones in a persons life. But don't you love how they can never say, "Look! I am going to say it now and if I am wrong then you never have to listen to me again, when I tell you that the end of the world is May 21, 2011." No of course not. They have to add ambiguity in case they are wrong. Actually I don't know who they even are. They are bold enough to leave this literature under my windshield and on my garage door. But nowhere does it say who they are! They do however tell me to listen to www.familyradio.com. So if I knew who these people were I think I might say "WILL YOU BE READY TO FACE ME IF THE WORLD DOES NOT END ON MAY 21, 2011?" If you are religious and believe in something, more power to you. But don't preach to me. There I said it.
That is all for now.
::End Transmission::
Musicals
What is the deal with musicals. I mean really they are pretty silly. Does anybody just break out into song and have a whole band playing for them. I watched the movie enchanted yesterday and they actually poked fun at this concept. Then there are all of these "Classic" musicals that everybody will donate their kidneys for to see a new cast when they know that they will never like them as much as the "Original" cast. So they start out on broadway and then some actually trancend to the screen, like rent. When that came out all the girls were like "Oh my goad Rent is now a movie. Then there is me, who is like, what the F is rent. Am I uncultured? Let's take "Grease". It is a story about the tough greasy boy who does not want to admit that he likes the prudish nerdy girl. I know, all the girls like the bad boy and all the boys like the nerdy girls. Have we really covered new territory? The only concession prize to this movie is Grease 2. There I said it! I mean, that shit was too good for Broadway. It knows what it is; a series of songs about sex. Songs like "Reproduction", "We are going to score tonight", and "Let's do it for our country". Even "Cool Rider" features Michelle Pfeifer straddling a step ladder. If you like musicals I am sorry, but take a Freudian look at them. There I said it.
Music
I am always beind the times with music. But I have to say that my favorite album of 2008 is officially "Re-arranger" by Mates of State. Submarines knotch their way in at number two. Most original of 2008: Fleet Foxes. Worst of 2008: anytime I am listening to the radio and I hear Fred Durst, Slipknot, deathmetal in any form, Metallica post "Black Album", and most country--regardless if any of it was actually made in 2008 because again, I am always behind the times. There I said it.
Movies
I don't see enough movies either. I guess I watch a lot of old ones. My favorite of the year is "Nick and Norah's infinite playlist" but in all fairness I still have yet to see the double Rogan feature of "Pineapple Express" and "Zach and Miri make a porno" because I am pretty sure I would like both of those. Every Christmas we see a bad movie and this year it was "The Spirit". Suprisingly enough it was not the worst movie I have ever seen, but is still the worst of the year hands down.
On another movie note, I just watched a movie called "Hawk: The Slayer". Let me explain the various categories of bad movies in decending order of bad to worse: Bad movies that are so bad and campy that you love them. Classic example, Plan nine from outer space. Then there are those movies that have amazing production value but you just can't stand the story. My example of this is when "Stargate" came out (But of course the one that I hated and others loved is "Saving Private Ryan". Then there are movies that are just flat painful to watch. My example of this would be "House of 1000 corpses". Finally there are those movies that are painful to watch, have awful special effects, and worst of all they set themselves up for a sequal. Hawk: The Slayer is one of those fantasy movies similar to "Conan the Barbarian". Actually the story reminds me of the movie "Krull" which is not a very good movie but at least had decent special effects for its time. But Hawk the Slayers best special effect is when this witch uses magic to freeze an evil soldier, but her wand just shoots out green silly string. Later she uses her magic to blind a room of bad guys which is really just a bunch of bubbles, a fog machine, and disco lights. I mean the guy in it who is supposed to be a giant is only like 6'5". THEN it has the audacity to set itself up for a sequal! Well anyways, if you want to see how bad it is they actually did put it on DVD. But really you may be better off drinking an ex-lax and tabasco cocktail. There I said it.
Will I be ready?
Today somebody put a flier under my windshield wiper and on my garage door. It starts out with "AM I READY TO STAND BEFORE ETERNAL GOD". Well yeah I guess so. According to this little essay the "much biblical evidence points to May 21, 2011 as the day of the rapture of believers - the final day of salvation. Those left behind will destroy each other, and on October 21, 2011." I wonder if we will celebrate my 30th birthday, I mean that is one of those milestones in a persons life. But don't you love how they can never say, "Look! I am going to say it now and if I am wrong then you never have to listen to me again, when I tell you that the end of the world is May 21, 2011." No of course not. They have to add ambiguity in case they are wrong. Actually I don't know who they even are. They are bold enough to leave this literature under my windshield and on my garage door. But nowhere does it say who they are! They do however tell me to listen to www.familyradio.com. So if I knew who these people were I think I might say "WILL YOU BE READY TO FACE ME IF THE WORLD DOES NOT END ON MAY 21, 2011?" If you are religious and believe in something, more power to you. But don't preach to me. There I said it.
That is all for now.
::End Transmission::
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